Candle on the Water
by Pythia
Summary: Not really angst, not exactly romance. Deathfic, S+S, PG13 for cussing, Syaoran POV


~Author's Notes   
  
1.Standard disclaimers apply.   
2.I used a Disney song, so what?   
3.And the song doesn't fit the story, so what?   
4.The story is done in Syaoran's POV   
  
Candle on the Water   
  
***   
  
~I'll be your candle on the water,   
My love for you will always burn.   
I know you're lost and drifting,   
But the clouds are lifting,   
Don't give up you have somewhere to turn.~   
  
I squeezed my eyes shut, hearing the door to my apartment slam with immense force. Force fuelled by anger. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, suddenly feeling helpless to the world. What had happened…?   
  
I sigh sadly, feeling pain engulf me… not physical, but emotional. It seems to hurt much more. I can hear a song playing in the background. I recognize it immediately. It was from a Disney (don't ask…) CD *she* gave me a long time ago. When we were just… beginning everything. Perfect for it to play when everything suddenly ended, isn't it?   
  
But I like it. It tells of hope, it gives me hope. False hope, but hope, nevertheless.   
  
Candle on the water… I choke back a sob. Its flame would eventually burn out… And for me, it already has…   
  
I open my eyes, void orbs staring at the off-white ceiling. I begin to hum softly to the tune. Desperately… hopelessly… pathetically…   
  
Just a pitiful soul in search of some comfort.   
  
~I'll be your candle on the water,   
'Til ev'ry wave is warm and bright,   
My soul is there beside you,   
Let this candle guide you,   
Soon you'll see a golden stream of light.~   
  
The song keeps going… As it continues, I am drawn to the telephone cradled on my pillow. I want to call her, I want to tell her just how sorry I am, that I miss her, and want her back. But I am not fearless. Today, I am frightened. Terrified, if you will. If I call, how will she react? There are so many possibilities…   
  
It will turn out good.   
  
Or bad.   
  
I still remember what I did. I am so horribly ashamed. I *know*. Don't bother attempting to tell me, because I know. It was my fault. All my terrible fault. I was being an idiot.   
  
A stupid idiot.   
  
I gave her hell, and now I'm receiving mine, in turn.   
  
My heart is telling me to apologize… Because I love her…   
  
What a way to show it.   
  
Xiao Lang, you bastard.   
  
I roll over on my bed, burying my face into one of the cushions, trying hard to hold back the tears that threatened to pour. Tears of sorrow, tears of hurt, tears of love, tears of…   
  
Guilt.   
  
But oh gawd, I miss her…   
  
~A cold and friendless tide has found you,   
Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down.   
I'll paint a ray of hope around you,   
Circling in the air,   
Lighted by a prayer.~   
  
My hands clutch the warm material of my blanket. Then, gradually, I release the vice-like hold of my right hand and grope blindly about the cloth, searching. A few moments of rummaging under pillows and my hand brushes across a cold metal hilt. Slowly, I close my fingers around it, pulling it out as I do so. I unsheathe it and raise it up to my eyes, seeing it glint brightly.   
  
I laugh.   
  
It's a knife. Small, actually. Just your ordinary pocketknife. But it would do. It would do very well. I'd suffer longer, for what I had done. It suddenly makes perfect sense. I could have peace. Eternal peace. True peace. No stings, no aches.   
  
Simply darkness.   
  
But for a moment, I hesitate. What about hope? I lower my gaze from the ceiling. Hope… I still had some, right?   
  
……   
  
Che. Screw hope.   
  
~I'll be your candle on the water,   
This flame inside of me will grow,   
Keep holding on, you'll make it,   
Here's my hand so take it,   
Look for me reaching out to show   
As sure as rivers flow,~   
  
The songs keeps going… it doesn't fit the mood…   
  
It's a lie. Plain and simple.   
  
I raise the blade high over me and prepare drive it into my torso. But I stop, feeling my head suddenly feel like lead and my stomach lurch. There's a dull throbbing in my chest. My heart? A burning sensation suddenly zips through my guts, and my hold on the knife loosens. It slips from my fingers and shallowly impales the bed before tipping over and resting on the down comforter.   
  
I can't do it… Something's stopping me…   
  
My eyes widen suddenly.   
  
No…   
  
I jump up from my lying position, ignoring the searing pain inside me. I run to the doorway of my apartment, halting before the wooden entrance.   
  
No…   
  
It can't…   
  
~I'll never let you go,~   
  
I instinctively fling the front door open, and Tomoyo, who was standing outside falls into my arms. Her surprised eyes are red and puffy from crying. She's sobbing somebody's name under her breath. I don't want to hear whose, but in my mind, I already know.   
  
I carefully rock her back and forth, asking her gently to calm down. What happened? I want to know. Badly. She's beginning to relax, her tears almost stopping. I softly tell her to inform me about what took place. She nods slightly.   
  
She starts, her fingers digging into the navy fabric of my shirt.   
  
"Sakura-chan… She.. she… was coming back… But… but there was an accident… and… and…" She breaks down once more, gasping loudly as if she couldn't breathe.   
  
~I'll never let you go,~   
  
My head whirls in pain and confusion. This couldn't be happening. Couldn't be happening… She was fine a day ago… At least, before I… I shake my head furiously. Is it because of me? Is it fate's way to tell me that… it was my fault? That I could have been a better person… friend… and lover to her? That I was such a bastard, and for that I was being punished… I loved her, but I'm a fucked up kid. I let anger and my pride get in the way of love. Why did I ever think I deserved her? I had never done anything to make her feel happy. I loved her, but I was an ass not to show it. She loved me, even though it seemed like she was nothing to me. I'm sure she felt unwanted many times. All those times… I was a bitch. I hate myself. How could I have been like that. Now that I think about it, she's been different for a while. And I only notice now… Gawd, I've been so… I had been neglecting her… It hurts now. It's her emotions that are washing over me. I think I understand now why she became so unlike her normal self. I *know* that these are her emotions. Hate, love, damnation, praise… I can feel it… Sakura-chan…   
  
"Sakura-chan…"   
  
I choke, remembering that it was Tomoyo in my arms.   
  
No…   
  
I close my eyes in silent grief.   
  
Before I could do anything… Before I could change…   
  
It's over. It's all over.   
  
I'm so sorry… But what good will apologizing do now?   
  
~I'll never let you go.~   
  
She's gone.


End file.
